Self-esteem is a very important aspect our wellbeing. It affects the way we look at our achievements and relationships and it impacts the way we perceive our future. High self-esteem fosters enthusiasm for self-development. When we think about self-development, we usually focus on our future goals related to professional achievements (a promotion at work), personal goals (run a marathon) or traits of the character (become more assertive). However, the attainment of all these goals is dependent on how much we like ourselves.
It is easy to feel lost, when the family and the media present visions of ideals that are in conflict with our own goals and with the vision of our own future. For example, if the pressure at home is to be an obedient daughter and a perfect mother and the media present ideals of perfect body images or passionate lovers, we tend to compare ourselves to these ideals and often feel inadequate.
If we try to measure up to someone else’s ideals of beauty or success, we feel frustration.
When we concentrate on our inadequacies, we forget that to be able to give something to other people, we must first possess it ourselves. For example, to provide feelings of comfort and safety to others, we must feel safe and comfortable ourselves.
There are numerous advantages to liking yourself, such as increased self-esteem, increased independence, and self-knowledge. These traits allow you to live life according to your own values.There are numerous advantages to liking yourself, such as increased self-esteem, increased independence, and self-knowledge. Higher self-esteem is followed by a better understanding of one’s feelings and thoughts. It also strengthens your confidence in decisions that you make and helps to find appropriate solutions to challenges. Carl Rogers, one of the founders of the humanistic approach to psychology, claimed that people who take care of themselves and understand their own needs, are more creative, more helpful, and more open towards other people.
Low self-esteem can be classified in two ways. It can either, take on the role of a punishing superego, which judges every single activity or it can become an internal critic, who is present in our daily life and who questions or negates a lot of what we do.
The critic has three functions, internal, external and a positive one. The internal critic influences our own views, thoughts and feelings. The external critic projects our own fears, attitudes and feelings on other people. The third, positive function, is helpful, because it allows us to see our mistakes, and it encourages us to improve and develop. However, the critic makes it very difficult to love ourselves, because it is a constant reminder how imperfect we are.
It is not possible to change everything at once. The same way it is not possible to eat a huge cake at one sitting. However, you can eat the cake one piece at a time. The fear of taking the first step towards a goal or of being judged by others is like a huge cake. It is not possible to conquer it all at once, because it is rooted very deeply, but it is possible to expand one’s comfort zone little by little, by taking small steps and getting used to making your own decisions, regardless of what other people think. With time and practice this process becomes second nature.
About the Author
Izabela Jąderek - psychologist, sexologist and sex educator. Lecturer and doctoral student at SWPS University. Psychosocial competencies trainer certified at the National Open College in the UK. As a psychotherapist and sex-therapist, she works with numerous NGOs, such as Fundacja Promocji Zdrowia Seksualnego [Foundation for the Promotion of Sexual Health], Fundacja Trans-Fuzja [Trans-Fuzja Foundation], and Stowarzyszenie Akceptacja [Acceptance Association], that focus on sexual and mental health education and provide support to socially excluded individuals.